


maybe if i tell myself enough

by rickbisexualgrimes



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Post-Break Up, Reconciliation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-12 06:45:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18005864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rickbisexualgrimes/pseuds/rickbisexualgrimes
Summary: Getting over someone, even when you want to, doesn't always happen. Rick and Negan find themselves realizing this over the course of a year.





	maybe if i tell myself enough

**Author's Note:**

> over you (demo) -ingrid michaelson is where the title comes from .

****January****  

 

 

The headboard was banging against the wall and Rick didn’t give a shit. He couldn’t bother to care anymore. This was the last time he’d ever have Negan in his bed. So I didn’t matter what happened, since it wouldn’t happen again.

 

 

He couldn’t look Negan in the eye as he got fucked. That would only make matters worse because Rick wasn’t seeing him the same way. Not anymore. All he saw was the man who broke his heart, stomped on it and was crawling back. Almost like he didn’t do a damn thing in the first place. If he were a weaker person then he would have taken Negan back. And everyone would be mad at him but they’d get over it. Only he wasn’t that weak, at least he didn’t think, so there was no worrying about that.

 

 

Rick wasn’t tuning Negan’s rambling out, unfortunately. While Negan was repeating __“you’re so beautiful..so perfect..I’ve missed this” ,__ Rick was thinking __“fuck you, fuck you, FUCK YOU”.__

__

 

They both came a few seconds apart from each other. But Negan didn’t get off him immediately. Instead he pressed a kiss against Rick’s forehead and told him he was sorry. That he was sorry about everything he did, almost did and could have easily done. He was sorry about going to that party and almost fucking someone in the bathroom. He was sorry for being a piece of shit. He was sorry.

 

 

Only Rick didn’t care and told him to get his things and go.

 

 

 

****February** **

 

 

“Fucking fuck! He won’t pick up my fucking calls and he hasn’t blocked me. So that has to mean something. Right?” Negan waved his hand in Simon’s face then Arat’s face. “Right?!”

 

 

Arat deeply sighed and downed the whiskey she’d been nursing. “I guess or he doesn’t want to block you ‘cause then you’ll show up at his place. Remember when you did that, I don’t know, a week ago?”

 

 

Before Negan make up some dumb fucking excuse, Simon piped in and set his phone down on the table. “As your best friend, I gotta be real fucking honest with you. You’ve blown it with Rick.”

 

 

“There’s no goddamn way that he won’t forgive me. I’ve been an idiot in the past so what makes this time any different? I don’t even fuck that guy and it was a stupid drunken mistake.”

 

 

“So you letting someone get on their knees and suck you off is something Rick should forget?”

 

 

Having Arat lay that out on the table, without any filter, made Negan feel like more of an asshole. What he did was shitty and Rick didn’t deserve to witness that. And he definitely didn’t deserve to be hurt like that. But that night everything was falling apart. Rick found some text messages from Sherry and saw the nudes she sent. Negan didn’t get a chance to explain before Rick told him to get out. Which lead Negan to go to the party Simon invited him to, get shit faced and let some random guy give him head in the bathroom. Worst part was Rick came to the party to suggest they talk it out. Only to find him in the bathroom.

 

 

“No. He shouldn’t forget that shit.” Negan ordered another round of drinks for all three of them and changed the topic.

 

 

 

 

****March** **

****

****

The restaurant that Rick let Aaron take him to was interesting. It didn’t seem like a place one would go for a first date. But Rick was willing to try new things and experiences. Which was what “The Kingdom”, the communal restaurant, happened to be.

 

There were several other people sitting at their table. And no one paid their conversations any mind. Mainly Aaron was discussing how Gracie, his daughter, was doing.

 

 

Talking about children wasn’t a date killer but it did induce a sadness within Rick. It stirred up thoughts about Carl and how he lost him so suddenly. Rick listened on as Aaron talked about Gracie saying she has crushes on girls and boys. And how much she loves math.

 

 

The server came around and took both his and Aaron’s order. Rick ordered a fried sandwich that used waffles as the bread. Then Aaron ordered a chicken and pomegranate salad.  

 

 

Rick noticed his phone was buzzing while Aaron talked on. He tried to ignore it but the buzzing kept persisting. Thankfully Aaron presumed it was work or something of importance. Of course it was the exact opposite and was Negan calling him over and over. Rick hid his irritation long enough to excuse himself to the rest room.

 

 

No one was in any of the stalls so Rick was free to speak. He would rather no stranger think he was crazy for freaking out.  Rick accepted Negan’s call and answered with an aggressive ‘hello’.

 

 

“Where the fuck are you that you can’t answer a goddamn phone call? I’ve been calling and calling.” Negan slurred at Rick through the other end.

 

 

__Of course he’s fucking drunk._ _

 

 

“I’m on a fuckin’ date. That’s where I am.” Rick snapped at the other man.

 

 

The way Negan scoffed at him made Rick want to huck his phone.

 

 

But that would be the second phone he had to replace.

 

 

“Of course you’re on a goddamn date. You gonna bring this lucky person back to your place. Y’know, the same fucking apartment building I live in.”

 

 

Rick couldn’t even help himself and let the words spill from his mouth. “Maybe I will. I can fuck and date whoever I want. Seem to recall you doin’ whatever you wanted in our relationship.”

 

 

“Oh boy, Ricky. You’re still tryna act like you’re innocent. What about Shane? Hm?”

 

 

“Nothin’ ever happened! How many damn times do I have to explain myself. He tried to kiss me but I stopped him. Anyway, this conversation is over and I’m goin’ back to my date. It’s Aaron by the way.”

 

 

Before Rick hung up the phone, he could hear Negan cussing and that was the end of the call. He didn’t even have the desire to eat anymore. A whole evening was ruined because of Negan. And he didn’t really have anyone else to blame. He answered the damn call.

 

 

 

****April** **

****

 

Rick held onto his headboard and fucked into Aaron aggressively. He didn’t look down but looked ahead in focus. Problem was he wasn’t picturing anyone else but Negan. How he rarely got to have control in the bedroom and was always deemed the bottom.  Rick thought about what Negan would think if he walked in on them. Even though that was implausible because he didn’t have a key anymore.

 

Warm hands were carressing his arms but he didn’t want a soft touch. He pulled out for a moment and flipped Aaron over. Rick then positioned him so he was on his knees and slid inside again. The way Aaron moaned for him was enough to start pounding into him.

 

This likely wasn’t the type of sex that Aaron was used to. And the only reason that Rick knew that was because Aaron told him. When Aaron was still married to Eric, they had really simple but passionate sex. The only time they ever got a bit rough was during drunken nights.

 

 

When Rick gripped Aaron’s hips, he thought about how Negan did to him, and that’s when he came. Rick didn’t even notice that Aaron came before him.

 

 

 

 

****May** **

****

 

“Here’s to celebrating this engagement! I’m so fucking happy that Arat found someone like you, Laura. We all know she’s had a string of ladies. Not saying you’re a player but - “ Negan cackled when Arat playfully threw an olive at him. “Anyway, you’re one of my best friends and I want you to be happy. So here’s to Arat and Laura’s future. May it be an amazing one!”

 

 

Everyone clapped and clinked their glasses together. Negan already had too much to drink but he wasn’t going to stop. Maybe it would give him the damn confidence to hit on someone. Even failed attempts were better than nothing.

 

 

That plan failed massively which resulted in Arat helping him into a cab. He was so drunk that he could barely walk. Arat assured him that she wasn’t mad at him for it. Only that she was worried about the road he was on.

 

 

When Negan got home he managed to get into the apartment complex, get on the elevator and haul his ass to his apartment. He still had his phone so he drunk dialed Rick.

 

 

The phone rang twice and Rick picked it up on the third ring. It was 1 in the morning but it sounded like he was wide awake.  Probably got home from a long shift or something.

 

 

“What do you need, Negan? I’m tired and I just wanna go to sleep.” Rick yawned on his end.

 

 

Negan didn’t plan on Rick actually answering him. Truth be told he expected him to ignore his call. That would have been easier.  “I miss you.”

 

 

“Negan.”

 

 

“I’m a fucking mess without you, Rick. I ain’t saying that just to make you feel bad.” Negan started crying into the phone. “Tonight was Arat’s engagement. And it made me think of what I wanted for us. I wanted to propose you know? Then everything went to shit.  You didn’t give me a chance to explain and it reminded me of Lucille.”

 

 

“Where are you right now?”

 

 

“In the goddamn hallway, leaning against my door like a moron.”

 

 

Next thing that Negan knew, Rick was inviting him to come over. He stumbled towards the nearest elevator and went up to Rick’s floor. While he rode the elevator he wondered what was going to happen. Maybe nothing would happen and  Rick would tell him to leave. Or maybe they would reunite. So many possibilities ran through Negan’s mind.

 

 

Soon as the door opened and Negan was on Rick’s floor, he moved as quick as he could.  At the end of the hallway, Rick was waiting with the door open and an unreadable expression.  He suddenly was face to face with Rick in what had been months. Negan didn’t lean in to kiss him or make any sudden movements. He simply waited until Rick invited him inside.

 

 

Negan’s legs were wobbly, his throat was dry and he had a craving for chicken wings.  “Where’s your boyfriend?”

 

 

He heard the door shut and the sound of Rick’s bare feet on the hardwood. “We broke up.”

 

 

“What happened?”

 

 

“He didn’t think I was emotionally ready for a new relationship. I tried to convince him that I was. And it ended with him breakin’ up with me. Besides, Aaron and I are better as friends. I guess his interest in me faded once he got me.”

 

 

“His fucking loss.”

 

 

Instead of responding back, Rick went to pour them both a glass of cold water. Negan didn’t know if that was a sign of Rick being upset or holding his tongue. When Rick handed him the glass of water he told him thank you. They awkwardly stood there together and gulped down their waters. Negan chuckled at how quickly Rick drank his.

 

 

“Why did you invite me over?” Negan’s voice came in softer than he intended.

 

 

Rick avoided his eyes, “I don’t know. Maybe I was just feelin’ weak and couldn’t say no to you.”

 

 

“Do you miss me?”

 

 

“Can we not do this right now?”

 

 

“I want you to answer the goddamn question. Please.”

 

 

The answer was yes but Negan knew he wanted to say no.

 

 

 

 

****June** **

 

Rick gathered food onto his plate from the table. He was never disappointed by Rosita’s chicken wings or Tara’s potato skins. And neither was anyone else that got the chance to eat them.

 

 

Mostly everyone at the party was laughing and joking around. Meanwhile a pregnant Rosita, Tara and Siddiq were sitting down together. It was a very big risk to have Siddiq be the sperm donor. Mainly because he was someone they knew and in some cases that’d be complicated. But they all agreed he should be in the child’s life. And Rick found it heartwarming to see them work it out.

 

 

He ventured off to the back deck so he could sit alone. Of course it didn’t last long because Rosita ended up seeing him.

 

 

They sat down together on the deck chairs and ate the food on their plates. Rick and Rosita always had an interesting connection. She would tell him the truth and never sugar coated. A lot of the time it was what he needed.

 

 

“So you’ve been talking to Negan again?” Rosita wasn’t being judgemental but she was clearly concerned. “Are you back together?”

 

 

Rick shook his head at her and took a bit of his potato skin. “No.”

 

 

 

“We all want you to be happy, Rick. You deserve it and if he hurts you again then I’ll mess up his dumb ass hair.”

 

 

 

****July** **

 

 

“We’ve been talking almost everyday lately. It feels like old times but just a lot better than it was. I don’t know, Arat. Maybe he’s ready to get back together with me. I know that I want that and maybe he does too.”  Negan shouted over the loud music that was in the background. “This is probably the worst place to have this conversation.”

 

 

Arat rolled her eyes and kept up with the rhythm. “I wouldn’t expect anything less from you.”

 

 

They kept dancing to the pop music that was blaring over the speakers. Most of their conversation was drowned out by the music. So Negan didn’t talk until they sat down away from the dancefloor. He explained what exactly was happening between him and Rick. For once Arat didn’t pipe in to tell him he was being stupid. She simply listened to what he had to tell her.

 

“Don’t push him ‘cause maybe he’s not ready for it. You gotta give him some more time. “

 

 

“I just don’t wanna wait forever for this shit to happen. We were apart for so damn long. He had time to get over me but he still didn’t do that. This time I won’t be an idiot and repeat the same shit. “  
  


 

Arat rested her hand against his and smiled. “I sure hope not.”

 

 

 

****August** **

 

One drink turned into four drinks and soon enough Rick was drunk. Which is how he ended up in Negan’s lap. He told himself he wouldn’t jump back into bed with him. But telling yourself something and actually doing it wasn’t the same thing.

 

 

Neither of them wanted to move to the bedroom, so they had sex on the couch, and it felt exhilarating. Each thrust made Rick feel alive and he didn’t want to lose that feeling. He ran his nails down Negan’s back as Negan pounded into him. Then he got him to switch positions and rode him like his life depended on it. Rick threw all self consciousness out the window. And let himself just be in the moment with the man he still loved. 

 

 

Rick moaned when Negan thrusted up as he moved up and down on him. And the both came hard together. His jizz was coating Negan’s stomach and he was filled up with Negan’s cum.

 

 

That night they had sex another two times. Once in the shower and the other time in Rick’s bed. And Rick didn’t know what exactly to make of it. He couldn’t survive another disaster. Which is what Negan was capable of being. A full on disaster.

 

 

 

****September** **

****

****

Getting back together was still on the table but Rick wanted to give it some more time. So Negan granted him that and didn’t push it. They were casually hanging out and that was enough for him. Mostly they talked, had sex sometimes and enjoyed each other’s company. Though they never stressed what they were exactly.

 

 

The people in their life did ask them, though Negan never had a decent answer for them. Arat was especially active about asking him what was happening. Simon did that occasionally but kept it simple. And anyone else Negan was close to was caring about it.

 

 

One day he got a random call from Lucille and he decided to answer it. She was telling him that she was in town and wanted to meet up and talk.  It didn’t feel suspicious so Negan went ahead and met up with her. And that’s when she revealed she was getting married. It was to a woman named Regina and their wedding was in the new year. Apparently she wanted him to attend.

 

 

“You actually want me at your wedding? I thought the whole point of you moving on was to never see me again. At least that’s what you said.” Negan clicked his tongue. “I mean it’s been years, Luci.”

 

 

“I have moved on and I’m happy now. You being there would mean a lot to me actually. I’ve never stopped thinking of you, even when I moved on, you still crossed my mind.” Lucille pulled her bouncy dark curls into a pony tail.

 

 

“Fine. I’ll be there.”

 

 

“Thank you. Oh and by the way you can bring Rick if you want. That’s if you’re still together. Are you?”

 

 

“Right now we’re..I don’t actually know what we are at the moment. We broke up and then we started sleeping together again. It’s obviously more than that but he’s taking his time.”

 

 

“Well if I still know then I know you’ll fight hard to get him back.”

 

 

“Yeah, I will.”

 

 

 

****October** **

****

 

Every single year Simon’s birthday was always some big event. Usually he rented a space just for the occasion. Mainly to avoid his place getting trashed and so he could be as loud as he wanted.

 

 

Much to Negan’s surprise this year wasn’t anything extravagant. There were a lot of random people at the party. Probably individuals that didn’t know Simon well. Still, it wasn’t a hardcore party where people were getting naked pretty much. Which was good because Negan brought Rick as his plus one.

 

 

He nursed his glass of Absolut on the rocks and kept Rick close to him. Some people asked them if they were interested in an orgy. The question alone made Rick go beet red and it was fucking hilarious.

 

 

Halfway through the party something shifted in Rick’s behavior. He got a bit quiet like he was thinking too hard about something. Negan convinced him to go talk outside and that’s when Rick spilled his guts.

 

 

Rick told him that he didn’t want to wait anymore. That he’d been thinking about it and that he was ready to start again.

 

 

“Are you sure you’re ready? I don’t want you to make this decision lightly. I hurt you so fucking bad the last time. Most people wouldn’t have let me back in. But I guess you’re not most fucking people.”

 

 

“I’m done holdin’ onto what happened in the past. All of that doesn’t matter anymore. I know you won’t make the same decisions again. Maybe that’s foolish of me but we’ll see. For now I’m ready to try again.”

 

 

Softly Negan pulled Rick into him and they held onto each other for what felt like hours.

 

 

 

****November** **

 

It felt like their relationship had been renewed in a sense. They weren’t falling into old patterns together. There wasn’t any major fights happening. Unless they counted their banter about ranch and blue cheese sauce. Rick wasn’t paranoid about what Negan could do and that was the main thing.

 

 

His mom called him to ask if things were alright. All he could say was everything was great between him and Negan. And that work was still the same as always. He also revealed he was ready to possibly retire.

 

 

She told him to be safe and that she was coming up in December to see them both.

 

 

And for once Rick didn’t feel nervous about that.

 

 

 

****December** **

****

 

Negan took the turkey out of the oven, he’d been fucking hungry all day so he was relieved the food was ready. Since Rick couldn’t cook to save his life, he was stuck cooking majority of the dinner. Unless it was stuff that wasn’t being made from scratch.

 

 

All of the people that they invited were all chattering away at the table. Mostly everyone was coupled up, other than Rick’s mom, so it was an interesting time. He walked slowly towards the table with the bird. Everyone was ooing at it and eagerly waiting with their plates. Negan told everyone he wanted to give a speech before they ate.

 

 

Daryl grunted at that which made everyone else laugh at his typical behavior. Of course his boyfriend, Jesus, just shook his head.

 

 

“Ladies and gentleman, that was the Daryl Dixon providing comic relief.” Negan dramatically gestured to him. “Anyways, I wanted to say that I’m grateful all of you could make it. This year has been a tough one as everyone knows. Though I’m happy it’s turned around for me. I’d probably be eating alone right now if it hadn’t. So hopefully my dinner doesn’t suck and that everyone leaves here full as can be.”

 

 

Everyone clapped and the first person to reach for a turkey leg was Daryl. And weirdly Negan wouldn’t have it any other way. He took one glance at Rick who was talking to his mom and smiled at the sight. Rick didn’t look distressed or anything other than content. Which was all Negan wanted for him.

**Author's Note:**

> decent comments always appreciated!!


End file.
